#10 Earthquake

WARNING - GRAPHIC IMAGES AND DISTRESSING CONTENT.

I was a TUI rep last year in KOS, Greece. [I'll do a blog about repping soon for you in case you've ever wondered what it is really like]

I made a friend Vick [There was only a few friendly reps believe it or not, Vick was one of them] We lived in the same apartment block.

One evening i was picking Vick up from work i had a car accident. Shit, i was so scared.

A week passed and me and Vick were talking about heading to our fave bar Saloon Tek. The bartenders were soooo hot, like channing tatum style hot. We went out every Thursday. But this Thursday, i couldn't. I couldn't afford it because i had a car crash the week before and the damages were going to cost me £150.

I was in such a mood because going out on a Thursday was my only way of socializing and letting my hair down. But i couldn't go thanks to this car crash. So i went to bed.

it was 1:30am Friday morning, i was in a deep sleep. I was thrown from my bed in a violent shake. I'm not talking about a little movement, it's like a giant had actually picked up our apartment block and was moving it from side to side violently as if to try and get money out of a piggy bank. I didn't know what the hell was going on. Everything happened too quickly for me to even think. My brain couldn't process what was happening.

I ran as quick as i could - bashing from wall to wall because i was being thrown... i flew down the stairs - Literally, it's as if a rope was tied to me and tugging me down the stairs.. I ended up falling down two flights of concrete stairs. I was knocked out, my head throbbing, the building still shaking. I thought i might have snapped my neck or paralyzed myself... But i hadn't and I managed to get outside - where everybody was - looking terrified - some covered in sheets because they had no clothes on - some crying - some screaming - the shaking stopped. Everybody was in shock...

'WE NEED TO GET UP HIGH- THERE'S A TSUNAMI COMING!! RUN!!!'

I suddenly realized how out of it i was. I was really concussed from falling down the stairs. I felt so sick and dizzy. If a Tsunami comes, I've got no chance.

Everybody started fleeing - heading towards the mountains - i couldn't believe it - The thing i had been scared of happening all my life - The thing that i thought was going to happen whilst i was in Newquay... The thing i had nightmares about... It was happening.

There was no escaping it.

I stupidly went back into my apartment block - a building that i couldn't be sure was safe - a building that could have fell down - but i heard that someone was still in there - and i could grab my phone - i needed to say goodbye to my family..... I needed communication.

When i returned out of the building, the ground started moving again - an after quake... I knew this wasn't over yet...

I tried calling my mum - no answer. I tried calling my sister - no answer. I tried calling my dad - no answer.

I couldn't believe that i wasn't going to be able to say goodbye. To say thank you for being such an amazing family and everything they have done for me. I was so scared. So alone. I needed to speak to people. People from home who knew me. Not these reps that hadn't even bothered with me since I'd been there, not people that didn't care about me. I needed comfort. I logged onto Facebook Live. Talking to people distracted me from my fear - distracted me from the fact i was alone in another country without my family and i was about to possibly die in a tsunami. I wanted to say good bye.

Now I've never been the brightest, but i asked on my LIVE if everybody in the UK was okay, for some reason i thought this earthquake might have also happened in England, ha. I can laugh now, but at the time, i didn't know what was going through my head. I just wanted to know that my family and friends were safe. Again, a distraction from the fact that i was far from safe.

Everybody was running towards the mountains - Preparing for the tsunami to hit - i mean you can't really prepare for the unknown - how do you prepare for possible death? for survival?

Shit my battery was low - i needed to save my battery just incase my family call back. I logged out of my live. After shocks happening constantly. Buildings still falling apart. Rubble still falling from broken walls. Again, not just little shakes, but big ones that moved you from your standing position. Auntie Linda rang. thank god. She must have seen my live. She calmed me down. She reassured me everything would be okay. Then my dad rang and did the same.

I still hadn't got to speak to my mum or sister. They were fast asleep. They had no idea what was happening. What was about to happen. It was like a scene from a movie - you know where the world is about to end and everybody is screaming and running to the same place - cars abandoned and left open - people running to the mountains. I really wanted to go to the mountains but the reps i was with said it was safer where we were. I don't know how.. we were on ground and a tsunami was about to hit. I wanted to go to the mountains but i didn't want to leave the only English speaking people around me, that was my only bit of comfort at the moment. Communication. My coping mechanism. My distraction. My safety.

We were now sitting outside a school. Nobody wanted to be inside the buildings. We felt safer outside. I was surrounded by people who were sitting on blankets, some people had no blankets and were sleeping on the floor in their pyjamas. Some people were alone, some families with children... a woman with a baby...

The other reps i was with were sitting and laughing - I couldn't laugh. But maybe this was their coping mechanism. Luckily, somebody had their TUI coat with them and offered it to me, i was freezing and he had a jumper on. I had just been told about the Tsunami... It happened where our apartment block was - and i heard that people were trapped under rubble. Nobody seemed to want to go and help. I was confused.

Aftershocks still happening and frightening me. I couldn't sit down. I told the reps i was going to KOS TOWN. It was a 20 minute walk. They told me i was being silly and i needed to sit down, they said it was dangerous and i couldn't help people, it's too late they told me. I sat down, i felt trapped. I'm used to going with my heart, making silly decisions, doing my own thing, making my own mind up, i suddenly realized im 26 and can make my own decisions. I've been alone the entire time i have been there [apart from Vick] so i was okay with being alone now.

I left quietly, pretending i was going for a wee behind some bushes... and off i went.

Ground still moving, people still fleeing. I came across an Australian family - i spoke to them - it was comforting to speak to others that were scared - that wasn't laughing and was actually registering the terrifying situation happening around us. It made me feel better. There were young children - so i acted brave - a great distraction for me. The children were shivering. The father of the family said he had water and blankets up in their apartment block - but their room was 10 flights up.... He was going in...

'Wait'..... 'I'm coming with you'...

What was i thinking? Was i mad? A major 6.5 earthquake just struck, followed by another 4.0 Earthquake...After shocks are happening every 5-20 minutes... no building is safe. But the children needed water and blankets, so i was soon distracted from my negative thoughts and raced up the stairs following the man. The building was secluded. Not a noise, not a breath. All the apartment doors were wide open, i pictured the previous scenes of people running from their rooms.

We were soon on the 10th floor. The apartment looked like it had been burgled. Furniture everywhere, lampshades knocked over and smashed, broken glass on the floor... cracks in the walls, dust on the floors.... We grabbed everything quickly and we were soon outside again.

Phew. it suddenly dawned on me what i had just done. But the children had blankets and water now. I had a bottle of water for myself. A big one. Every time an after shock happened, i took a breath in. Like when you're getting a piercing or a blood test, or about to go down a steep rollercoaster. You breath in ready for the pain. Because you're scared.

A group of young teens were walking by bare foot...I don't know where there shoes were.. It suddenly dawned on me that i was bare foot also.. My feet were black.. The teens were crying. They had dust all over them. Dust from fallen buildings. I told them not to worry, i said everything will be okay. I didn't know this, but reassuring others was distracting me from how terrified i was. They stopped crying. They asked if they could stay with me. Such a proud feeling had come over me. I had made people feel safe. People wanted to stay with me. Wow. Dam it was cold, i suddenly remembered i had my TUI coat on. Shit. I wasn't just Jodie anymore. I was a professional TUI rep. I need to be even more brave now!

We formed a big circle, all holding onto each other when an after shock happened. I shared my water round, the boys in the group of teens drank it as if they hadn't drank in a week. My big bottle was nearly all gone now after they had passed it round their circle, oh well. I didn't need it. I had too much adrenaline/fear to care about how thirsty i was.

The girls finally calmed down and spoke - they had just come from KOS TOWN on a night out- no wonder they were so frightened - that's where the tsunami had just hit and people are trapped under rubble. She said she had just seen a man be pulled from rubble with his legs missing.........A scene i can only imagine would change your life forever if you were to witness it. I suddenly remembered what i had set off to do - people might need me in KOS TOWN.... i had got distracted - these people were safe now - they had each other.

Off i went, terrified. I really wanted to stay with these people, for the first time in what seemed like forever, i felt safe. But i wouldn't be able to rest knowing people might need my help.

My feet were really sore now, there was broken glass everywhere so i probably had cuts all on me, i didn't want to look. My head was throbbing. Oh yeah shit, i fell down two flights of concrete stairs... I felt my head.. it was raised like an egg. so tender. so sore. dry blood on my fingers.

I got to KOS TOWN - it was light now - where i had been a few hours ago with screams and panic was now silent - not a peaceful silent - a deadly silent. Nobody needed help, was this a good thing or a bad thing? Was everybody safe? I can't see any trapped bodies. I imagined a horror scene, people trapped, people buried alive, people screaming for help. Nothing..... there were boats stranded in the middle of town... The water must have gone back... I imagined a tsunami being a massive flood that stays there - you see it on TV, on the news, on films.. It must have been a small Tsunami anyway because it didn't reach us, thank god. I'm not a strong swimmer. I would of had no chance. Suddenly i felt relief. I was alive. I can see my family again.

Two people died in KOS TOWN. They were in Saloon Tek. Mine and Vick's favourite club. The club that me and Vicki were supposed to be in...It had fell down... And if i didn't have my car crash... We would have gone to Saloon Tek. And our fate could have been different.

You see, i don't get angry now when i have a bump in my car, i don't get angry when i'm dumped, i don't get angry at things i probably should get angry at, nobody gets why i laugh at things that should make me annoyed, nobody understands why i quit my jobs and take risks... Everything happens for a reason.... And life is too short. that's why.

THE NEXT DAY.

So i hadn't slept because obviously i was up all morning walking the streets... it was now 7am and we were due at our hotels at 9am. I looked after 4 hotels. Shit. I hope all the guests are okay. I knew KOS Town was the worst hit, and my hotels were a 15 minute drive, well out the way, hopefully they were okay.

I arrived at the TUI office. My right arm was blue, it was starting to hurt, i realized i landed on it when i fell down the stairs. The managers looked stressed. of course they were, we now had to face hundreds of panicked guests. But hang on, it wasn't them facing them, it was us. I was a first time rep, i had only been there 4 weeks, and well, i wasn't even trained. My 'manager' Michelle was fed up of the job, knew she was leaving and decided to just sit and moan to me about how much she hated the job and couldn't wait to leave rather than actually training me. Luckily, i'm okay with being thrown in at the deep end and am confident in new situations and can learn myself. But how was i going to handle this?

Not once was i asked if i was okay. Not once was i asked if i needed a doctor for my head or arm. We were told to get to our hotels immediately. But hang on. We were given no instruction? 'What if a customer asks about getting a flight home early, can they? someone asked

'Tell everybody that it is being investigated, we can't tell them anything at the moment and to just be calm' right okay fantastic, so i was going to 4 hotels, with hundreds of panicked guests, frightened, angry, wanting answers... with no answers... great. My head was throbbing, my arm felt fractured [I have broken it before so i know what it feels like] but no time to think about that. The guests needed me. I was a bit pissed off at how the managers spoke to us, just very abrupt like 'get to your hotels now' no concern about how we were feeling after a life changing experience. I know they had been through the same and they were scared, but they weren't the ones going to hotels now to face guests with no information or any help at all.

It was as i expected, my first hotel, a que of guests waiting for me, wanting answers. 'me and my wife want to go home now, get us home' 'what do you mean you can't get us home yet' 'why aren't you flying people home' 'Why are you a rep if you can't help' 'You're useless'

I felt useless.

The days seemed like months. I was tired. I didn't sleep. I messaged the other reps asking if we could all sleep together so i could feel safe, nope. They didn't care about me or my feelings, they just wanted to sleep in their own beds. Apart from Vick, she let me sleep in her room with her. Thank god.

https://www.facebook.com/jodie.carnall/videos/vb.1003868447/10212481430523151/?type=3

Every day i rang my mum in floods of tears, after shocks and mini quakes were still happening regular daily. It was horrific how i was being treated and spoken to by some families. Being yelled at and being swore at because i couldn't get them home. I tried all i could. I was ringing my manager but there was just never answers. I sat with one customer and helped him book a flight with sky scanner because that was my only option, i couldn't refuse to help him find a flight home through another company. i was told off for this. i was spoke to disgusting from the manager as well as the families. i will never forget how one family in particular made me feel. Like it was all my fault. Everything was because of me. Luckily though, i had some amazing families who did care about me as a person and not just a TUI rep.

They recognized i was alone in another country with a mum who was worried sick about me and just wanted her baby home. Mum offered to fly me home the day after the quake, but i couldn't leave the nice families. I couldn't run away, i would feel like a coward. One family, i will never forget them, offered me to sleep with them in their room. I cried tears of joy and relief. I didn't sleep with them, just because i was too scared to drive back at night. I stayed with Vick. One family asked how i was doing 2 days after the earthquake, i still hadn't been to sleep and i was hugged for the first time and asked if i was okay. I cried. it was so nice to feel cared about. My manager and that horrible family made me feel so alone, so scared, so helpless. This family and the other kind families picked me up again, made me realize my worth. I needed their communication.

It's like when i am bullied on social media [if you know me, you know this happens regular]

Yes there are nasty people who call me horrible names, keyboard warriors and internet trolls that go out their way to bully me. But there are also some amazing people on my social media, people who stick up for me, who inbox me, whether it be strangers who have never met me before, or friends... They support me and offer me kind words and advice. That's what keeps me going. Just like those kind families did.

Two families still keep in touch with me now, they added me on Facebook and message me from time to time to check how i am. They still thank me a year later for how i helped them during the earthquake.

One family called me stupid, called me worthless, said i was a rubbish rep. But these families think otherwise, and that's all that matters to me. You can't please everybody. And some people are beyond help because they are just so selfish you try and help them and they are still rude. [Just like when i tried to help that boy with a dislocated arm the other day and the family told me to f*ck off] So screw it. Don't care about those people in your life and focus on the good people that help you feel positive.

When i was crying during the aftermath of the earthquake, i did Facebook live videos to talk about how i was feeling, it helped me cope. Communicating with friends over Facebook distracted me from how scared i was and made me feel better. Comments of reassurance and support telling me how brave i was. It kept me going.

One day, I received a nasty Facebook message from a girl i didn't know after she had watched my LIVE videos.

I cried floods of tears. I'm not selfish. I walked the streets for 5 hours helping people even though i was terrified. For the past 3 days i had been helping families get home, helping families to safety. Even though i wanted to be home with my mum, i turned down a free flight home because i wanted to stay and help people. It really hurt me because i thought what if others think this? No... No they can't, i've had very nice messages on my LIVES. If i hadn't have done my LIVES.... i wouldn't have received those nice messages, so i wouldn't have that reassurance. I needed that communication. And you notice Lauren Small commenting messages of reassurance and support? I needed that communication. 'We all love you'

Thank you Lauren. Thank you to anyone who has ever been kind to me.

You can see in this video how much i calm down towards the end after i have been talking - i even realized it myself in the video.

https://www.facebook.com/jodie.carnall/videos/vb.1003868447/10212472589622134/?type=3

It's crazy because i haven't watched these videos since recording them. I haven't wanted to. I've just watched them because i am posting them on my Blog and it's so strange how i remember everything even year on. Everything i have said to you in this Blog i say on the videos. Please be warned that it might be quite distressing to watch.

https://www.facebook.com/jodie.carnall/videos/vb.1003868447/10212472749506131/?type=3

Here is a video of how terrified i was. A video of me entering crumbling buildings to get pillows for children. A video of me walking the streets exhausted for 5 hours helping people. So Stephanie, you can inbox me and call me self centered all you like. I'd LOVE to see how you would react in such a situation.

You see, I get called an attention seeker at least once a week. My ex Max* called it me, which hurt the most, because i loved him and wanted him to love me and the person i was. In fact a few weeks ago, i was called an attention seeker. I was doing a live because a guy had let me down, i was in tears because this has become a regular occurrence. [Apart from Ross who i met yesterday who is still being so lovely and we are having our second date soon]

Talking about how i was feeling made me feel better. I needed that communication. A girl called Danni called me an attention seeker and was laughing at the fact i was upset. Luckily, i had 30-50 people stick up for me, reassuring me that i am not an attention seeker and that i am a nice person...

I needed that reassurance... I needed that communication. I'm glad i did my facebook live. Because even though Dani called me fake famous, attention seeking, and made me feel small, alot more people made me feel good, it distracted me from that fact i had been let down. So thank you Dani, you helped me in a way.

Communication.

When the boys i dated never text back - all i wanted was a text - i wanted to know what was going on - i wanted answers. I needed communication.

When i was dumped by a boy i was seeing and had to go Ibiza alone - I Put a Facebook status and managed to find people who were going Ibiza at the same time as me who said i could hang with them - i needed communication. Without that communication, without reaching out, i wouldn't have known people i knew were there at the same time as me. I would have been alone. I needed communication....

When i was in this earthquake... i couldn't reach my mum, my dad, my sister... i needed communication... They wasn't awake so the only way of reaching them is to do a video they can watch in the morning when they are awake - no use recording one on my phone - i could drown in a tsunami and they will never see it. I wanted to do a Facebook LIVE, i needed to do a Facebook live. I needed communication.

I haven't spoke about this because i don't want to talk about it anymore i want to forget about it and move on, but i have to mention it briefly because its relevant to the topic. Two months ago i was assaulted in Magaluf. [Max* made me feel like it was my fault.. because i went to Magaluf so of course i should expect that...]

Nobody should expect to be assaulted, be bullied, or have their phone stolen and chucked out of their hand... I didn't even go Magaluf, I was in a quiet resort nearby with my mum and sister for a mothers day holiday and decided to visit magaluf for a night out.... see how i justified myself? That's what Max made me do.. you shouldn't justify yourself to anybody. If you do, you're not in the right relationship.]

Anyway, i did a live about the assault. And i spoke about it. I communicated about it. Why should i let Luke get away with what he did? Why should i be quiet about it. I shouldn't! But because i spoke out about it, i was called an attention seeker, i was told i was acting and made it look worst than it was, i was threatened, bombarded with messages from workers telling me to be careful and that i should remove everything i had posted about what had happened.

Erm, no.

Since posting about the attack, i had 260 shares. The word was spreading about this vile bully. And it's a good job, because 5 girls came forward saying that they too, had been assaulted by this Luke but they were too scared to talk about it before. Because i was talking, others were. I was showing people it's okay to talk out. If you keep your feelings in, if you keep quiet about your experiences, how are you helping others? You're not.

You're not helping yourself either. You should share your experiences and spread awareness. Not keep quiet. Quiet is boring. Quiet is unhelpful. Even though bullies aren't quiet, and they are loud and nasty, i like to compare them to the word quiet. Because bullies lives must be boring for them to want to scroll through my feed, to check what i'm doing with my action packed life, to be nasty to me, to shame me. And bullies are unhelpful.

I recorded Luke on my phone to get evidence of the way he treated me. And because i was communicating to my phone, it made me feel safer. I didn't video it for attention. It spread awareness and showed Luke for what he is. I'm glad i videoed it. Videoing is my way of coping. My distraction. I need communication in difficult and scary situations.

'Why did you record Luke if you were scared' Exactly that... Because i was scared...

The same reason i recorded myself when i was in the Earthquake. The same reason i record myself when i feel anxious. When i'm upset. When i need reassurance or to feel safe.

The SUN newspaper approached me and wanted to do a story on Luke and the attack. I have never responded to people who are nasty about the fact i shared my story, to the people who say i just made it up for attention or for the money. This is my only response. ...

I had no idea i would be paid for my story, but so what if i was? I wasn't told i would be paid until after submitting my story, but so what if i knew before? I didn't approach the news paper. I have never had money, i don't care about money. What i do care about, is the fact that bullying is wrong and i will not be quiet for anybody. Not for the guy i drove 5 hours to meet to be told i was too loud, not for Max, not for any new man, not for any bully, not for anybody.

So yes, believe it or not, when i thought i was going to die in an Earthquake and Tsunami, i did do a LIVE video, i did want to communicate. Is that such a shock to these trolls?

When i am upset, i want to communicate. When i am feeling anxious or stressed, i want to communicate.

This is a message to anybody who has ever bullied me, to all the exes who gave mental abuse and told me to change.

You won't change me for being nasty to me. You won't beat me, you won't defeat me.

This is me.

You see, whilst writing my blog, I've realized something.

The bullies and Max are right.

I am an attention seeker.

Answer me these questions:

Do you have social media?

Do you upload photos?

Do you feel good when somebody gives you a compliment?

Do you cry when you're upset infront of people?

Do you post about your life - for example ' got a new job ' or ' does anybody know any jobs going' or ' look at my new handbag ' or 'how cute is my child' 'how beautiful is my dog' or 'so bored tonight' or 'should i go out tonight'

Have you ever felt insecure and had to ask your partner for reassurance that he/she loves you?

Let me answer those questions for you

Do you have some form of social media?

Yes

Whether it be instagram, facebook, snapchat, we all have it for attention. That's the hole point of it. We post photos to receive likes and comments. We send snaps to receive a snap back. We upload business photos, we promote our businesses, we want our business to get attention. You want attention.

You are an attention seeker.

Do you upload photos?

Yes

You want likes, comments. You are showing people your photos. What you look like. Your new hair, your new makeup, your watch. You want attention.

You are an attention seeker.

Do you feel good when somebody gives you a compliment?

Yes

Of course we all do. It's natural to feel upset when we have a horrible comment and good when we have a compliment. We all need that attention. It's healthy.

You are an attention seeker.

Do you cry when you're upset in front of people?

Yes

We've all cried infront of someone at least once in our life. And if you haven't, you should. It's healthy to share how you're feeling. Whether it's advice you receive, a hug, a kiss...

That is attention.

You are attention seeking.

Do you post about your life - for example ' got a new job ' or ' does anybody know any jobs going' or ' look at my new handbag ' or 'how cute is my child' 'how beautiful is my dog' or 'so bored tonight' or 'should i go out tonight'

Yes

You are attention seeking.

Have you ever felt insecure and had to ask your partner for reassurance that he/she loves you?.....

I don't think i need to say anymore. I think you get what i am trying to say.

We are all attention seekers.

Every single human being. It's life. It's natural. We do it every day without realizing it.

So thank you for telling me the truth, i am an attention seeker. You will have to come up with another nasty word now to describe me, but don't worry, i'll find a way to turn that into a positive too.

Your green eyes, the spit that comes out of your mouth when you shout in my face, the fingers you keyboard warriors type with, it all adds fuel to my fire. You are actually keeping me going. And by calling me an attention seeker, well i just want to say thank you. You are doing a fantastic job of giving me the attention i seek. You're taking time out of your own lives [which must be very interesting] to look at my wall, my photos, to watch my live videos...

You're commenting hate, and strangers, my friends, my family stick up for me. You're giving me attention and so are they. And are you not seeking attention? You're also speaking out, you want everybody to see your comment, you want me to see your comment. You want people to react to you. So thank you.

I, Jodie Carnall, am an attention seeker. And so are you. Well done.