#9 Push Yourself

Omg, omg. I'm so excited i don't know where to begin. If i was writing on here yesterday, you would have heard cries of loneliness, cries of anxiety, cries of everything.

You see, i went to Butlins at the weekend and i had an absolutely AMAZING time. My family are AWESOME and everything was PERFECT. It really was the trip of a life time, but a few things happened out of mine and my families control that triggered my anxiety, one being a conversation with Max* [Remember my most recent partner?] ...

It was just him telling me how much of an attention seeker i am [again] and that his new girlfriend is better than me and so on, you know, the usual. So, even though Butlins was like, so good, the past few days i have been feeling an anxious mess. I can't explain it, but if you have anxiety you'll understand. You can be in the happiest situation around the best people, but you still feel this sick feeling in your stomach that just won't go away, and you feel exhausted. Thinking about the people that have upset you, even though so many people love you. You just can't help it!

ANYWAY, last night i was asked by a Journalist if i wanted to do a photo shoot today for Fabulous Magazine and The SUN. I had been crying for 6 hours straight, feeling sick, feeling nervous about absolutely nothing [But that's the worrying thing, you don't know what you're upset about, you've got so many reasons to be happy, but that's why it's so scary, so you worry more.... You worry that you might feel like this for ages, or even forever]

ANYWAY, because i KNOW myself, i know that communication is what i need [remember that, communication is what i need] I said yes.

You see I've been in this situation plenty of times. I've said no to things and always felt annoyed at myself wondering 'what if i said yes'

And I've been in the situations where I've gone from feeling this anxiousness to happiness in the space of a day just by saying yes.

I know to push myself. But how would i know that without pushing myself in the first place? YOU NEED TO PUSH YOURSELF!

Let's start from the beginning, so this morning i missed my train, i was FUMING because i was ready one hour early, i was so prepared so that this stuff DIDN'T happen, yet it still did. The platform screen said the train i needed was Platform 5, but it was actually Platform 4. I had missed the only Virgin Train, a ticket that had been pre paid for by the Journalist! I had my own seat reserved and everything [so glam i know right] To me it's glam anyway, i'm so easily pleased and appreciate things like this!

SO. I wait an hour and i hop onto a train....[not a VIRGIN train] and there are no seats. Fricking PERFECT. I trained legs yesterday [for the first time in two years] and i can barely stand and i did have a seat reserved on a Virgin Train but oh no, here i am, in pain, on my legs, on a 'normalll' train. And i was still feeling anxious. Could things get any worst?

Well, they did. Because on this normal train, was a NOT so normal blonde haired woman. She was wearing a very smart dress with a very smart blazor, [deffo not from Primark] she had perfect makeup, a coffee and a massive diary and not a STRAND of hair out of place. [I didn't even brush my hair this morning]

Anyway, this woman had a spare seat next to her that she was blocking [it was by the window] she was on her mobile phone. I asked her if she could move along so i could have a seat... seeing as though it was spare...

Well, the bugger only decides to IGNORE me and continues her phone conversation and turns her back to me and covers her ear! ERMM HELLOOO! The only thing that kept me from getting angry was the other passengers on the train, who could see how rude she was being and were rolling their eyes along with me, and laughing when i pushed my finger to my nose [doing an impression of the blonde woman being stuck up] I needed their communication.

So, i asked politely again, this time tapping her on the shoulder, so this time she KNEW i was talking to her [even though she knew anyway but you know i just wanted to make a point]

So anyway, she didn't move up but instead she got up and like shoved me towards the window, it was hilarious. I mean, the easiest thing would have been for her to just scooch her tiny little size 6 ass along but oh no, she is too good for the window seat.

I mean does this girl not know that i SHOULD HAVE BEEN on a VIRGIN VIP TRAIN! with a RESERVED seat. She thought she was so better than everyone. Pfffft. Bye Felicia.

Anyway, enough of her, because there was a lovely lady sat opposite who let me borrow her portable phone charger so it's fine.

It was such a good job she let me borrow her phone charger because my phone was about to die and i needed to re book my taxi because of course, now i'm not on my usual virgin train at my usual time, i was going to be an hour late. My taxi had just text to say he was leaving to pick me up from Euston Train Station and i hadn't even left Hinckley Train Station yet. Oh shit. Anyway, so i sorted that...

I arrive in London and i am frantically looking for my Addison Lee! [V.Posh i know] I have my suitcase in one hand but it's managed to turn round the wrong way and i am scraping it against the floor instead of on it's wheels, I've managed to spill my water all down my legs because i didn't screw the lid on properly, and i'm out of breath like a hamster on a wheel. I find my taxi! Hooray.

I go to get in my taxi and at the same time, a man tries to get in. He soon realizes it's my Taxi though because my name is on the window [oh my god it just gets posher doesn't it!?]

He laughs and gets out, but i offer to share because i feel bad! But the Taxi Driver said it isn't allowed so i couldn't share... The conversation with the man went like this

Man: 'Where you off to then'

Me: 'Secret where are you going?' [Never give strangers details folks]

Man: 'Secret'....

Me: What's your name

Man: Ross, what's yours?

Me: Jodie...

The taxi is in first gear... slowly creeping forward... but mine and Ross' eyes hadn't left each others. Ross asked for my number but the taxi was moving...

I managed to give it to him before we left. Just in Time!

Ross texted me straight away, like literally, i wasn't used to this. And of course, i was dubious because a strange man had just asked to share my taxi, and he gave me his number within a minute of speaking to me, which probably meant he was a 'LAD' and did this to every girl he met.

We texted non stop for two hours [he was at work and i was getting my makeup done at the studio] I had no makeup on when Ross asked for my number and i have ALWAYS said i want to meet a man naturally when i have no makeup on so he sees and likes the real me! [I've had a bad situation before where i went on a date and he said i look different to my photos and he didn't like me and he pied me]

I could tell now after a two hour conversation with Ross that he wasn't a 'LAD' and that Ross didn't ask every woman for their phone number. Ross was actually a Gentleman.

I really enjoyed my photo shoot and Ross made my day even better with his sweet texts, so i was already feeling on cloud 9. I was just about to head home, when Ross asked if i wanted to go for a coffee. FOR A COFFEE?!?!?!? AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!! This is what i am usually asked:

'I have a free house - want to come round?'

'Hey, wanna have some fun?'

'Hey, wanna f*ck?'

'Wanna come spoon'

'Wanna get pissed together and see what happens'

VILE.

I couldn't bellieve it. Coffee YAY! [Told you i am easily pleased]

Long story short:

Ross told me to go to Pizza Express. I walked 15 minutes. Ross meant to tell me to go to Prezzos. I walked another 15 minutes back to where i was in the first place.

We chatted none stop for one hour, about real stuff. About what we are looking for, about what we want in life. Oh, it was just so refreshing! And by this point, i had makeup on from the photo shoot so i wasn't nervous because Ross had already seen me without makeup so this was an improvement so what was there to be nervous about!

Ross walked me back to the Station [Like i said, Gentleman] and we've been texting solid again since and Ross has asked to see me again.

By the way, Ross told me that he was sitting in a Taxi before he tried to get into mine, but it got pulled by the police before it set off. The police wanted proof of papers so Ross tried to jump into the taxi behind it, my taxi.

If i didn't miss my Virgin Train, i would have been at Euston Station two hours before. I wouldn't have met Ross.

If Ross' taxi didn't get pulled by the Police, he would have never tried to get into my Taxi. Ross wouldn't have met me.

Me and Ross never would have met if things went right today. So if your day, your week, your month or your year isn't going right. That doesn't mean it's going wrong. Everything happens for a reason. Hold tight, push yourself.

If i didn't push myself today, to overcome my anxiety.... I wouldn't be feeling happy right now. I would still be feeling low, and just sitting in feeling sorry my self.

PUSH YOURSELF!!!

Otherwise, how will you ever be happy? Communicate.

Even if nothing happens with me and Ross, it's fine. It was just nice to feel appreciated for a few hours, instead of being made to feel cheap. Or worthless. Or not good enough. It was nice not to be called an attention seeker. It was just nice.

Let me share with you a text Ross just sent to me so you can see how nice he is... He doesn't have social media so he will never see this so it's fine [ha]

'You looked gorgeous today in Prezzo. You looked gorgeous getting into the Taxi as well but it was all too quick. It was nice to admire a pretty girl and actually have a good laugh with somebody. So thank you'

Ross is thanking ME?! I don't think he realizes how much his communication saved me today!

You might be thinking 'He sounds cringe' and trust me, i usually would think that too when things are being said like that to me within a day ... But not with Ross. Like i said in my previous blog... i'm picky... So when i know i know.

ANYWAY,

I have had a lot of messages recently asking how i get into doing the things i do.

Here is a list of the things i am talking about.

Take Me Out

Coach Trip

Extra in President T's Music Video

Extra in TOWIE

Filmed for an advert - Not yet released so can't say what it is

Write music for D&B artists and release Albums

Receive free products from companies

Modelling

Charity Calendars

I want to help you overcome your fears and anxiety. I want to explain more to you about why i 'seek attention' i want to help you understand why i do what i do. And i want to show you why i know my advice will help you.

But first of all, i think i need to tell you about the scariest night of my entire life. The night the unimaginable happened. The night i thought i was going to die... The night that made me realize that the bullies are right....

I am an attention seeker.