Listen to yourself, not others.

Hey guys!

Oh my goodness it's been so LONG! I haven't posted on here in like 4 months!!! As you can imagine, a LOT has happened! I simply can't tell you everything that has happened in the past 4 months otherwise we will be here all day, but here are the main points:

I started a new job.

I left my new job.

I went on a date with a guy and we went to Scotland.

I left him in Scotland.

I put on a stone.

I lost a stone.

I got my belly pierced.

I took my belly piercing out.

Let's cut to the chase

I am going to be honest with you and tell you the truth, because you know i'm honest.

I haven't posted because I wasn't feeling up to it. I didn't want to talk about my life or what i was doing in it because i wasn't happy with what i was doing with it.

Basically, the new job i had was in an office. An absolute GREAT company to work for, but i couldn't help but feel like i was wasting so many opportunities.... I have had many jobs, and some people really disagree with me leaving my jobs, but my motto is, at least i have jobs! It's better to have too many than not enough right? ha.

To be honest, since filming for Take Me Out and Coach Trip, being able to be free, straight talking, and myself - I just found it really difficult to sit down for 10 hours a day following a script and not be able to TALK to people or be MYSELF. Even in between calls, i was told i couldn't talk to the colleague next to me..... I mean how am i supposed to tell people about my terrible dates? I had to prove i have a bladder condition because you're not allowed to the toilet much ... I mean i think that's wee-ly bad.

I just can't do it. I was feeling so down but had NOBODY to talk to about it, because i wasn't allowed to talk.

I would leave work every single day in floods of tears, having panic attacks in my car and not being able to catch my breath because i was so so miserable and felt so so lonely. I was also receiving audition offers, but i couldn't attend the auditions because obviously, i was working and earning a living. It was a catch 22.

It was so so difficult for me. I wanted to follow my dreams and be available to audition, but i couldn't leave my job because i had to pay bills.......

Six months ago, I started a Snap Chat Premium.... Basically webcam modelling. [But i'm my own boss, nobody takes commission, and i have my own rules] I was earning quite a lot on there, but i couldn't earn as much as i wanted to because, again, i worked ten hours a day and didn't have the time or freedom. Just like not having the time or freedom to do my auditions.

So there i was, working ten hours a day, miserable in a job i knew i didn't belong, where i felt a bit picked on by certain people, where people would gossip about my snapchat premium, where people would gossip about relationships at work that didn't work out, where i was leaving and crying every. single. day because i felt trapped and like i couldn't be myself, and like i was potentially missing out on other opportunities....

Like i say, great company to work for itself, but i just knew it wasn't meant for me at this point in my life.

So what did i do?

It all started with the date in Scotland. Basically, i met a guy who was a lot like me, loves travelling, loves being spontaneous and loves adventure. We both decided to travel 5 hours to Scotland. I mean, why the hell not? We were getting on like a house on fire, we were both attracted to each other, and we both had 5 days off work....

First of all, I was disappointed to hear that we had travelled to Loch Lomond to be told that wasn't actually the location of the Loch Ness Monster Myth. Something we were both very excited about. The correct location for The Loch Ness Monster is actually Inverness, and that location was another 2 hours away, so a 7 hour journey in total...

Loch Lomond was stunning though, so we didn't mind. Everything was amazing.

All of a sudden, the guy's behavior changed.

I did NOT like what I was hearing or seeing. You see, I've been in this situation before, where i let a man mentally abuse me for a long time.....

Not any more.

Over the years of betrayal, heartbreak and hurt, i have learnt to NEVER let a man speak to me like that again.

So, i packed my bags. And I left.

I began my 5 hour journey home after feeling exhausted from already travelling 5 hours to get to my location. Exhausted from the tears i had been crying because of the way this guy had been speaking to me. Exhausted from yet another man hurting me.

I was miserable for days. I have so much love to give, and all i want is for somebody to love me back. It seems impossible. It gets me really down. Everybody i like hurts me. I would never hurt anybody, so it really upsets me....

Every time i'm upset i don't just cry about that particular thing that has upset me. I think about everything and everyone that has upset me in my life, and trust me, there is a lot.

I developed a bad headache, i didn't move from bed for three days. My head got that bad that i dialed 111. I went to an out of hours center and was given some tablets. Thank god.

Although my head pain had gone, my other symptoms hadn't. I felt sick, i felt dizzy, i felt worried, worthless, helpless, non existent.....

I had to have time off work.

As the days went on and my symptoms didn't disappear. I realised something.

Could it be the fact i am so unhappy making me poorly?

I realised i was making myself ill, stressing myself out, being told i can't talk at work and i can't be myself, i just can't handle that very well. I KNOW we have to work for a living, i have worked since the age of 15 and mostly, i never have just one job at a time. At one point last year, I was working 5am-7am cleaning offices, then 9am-5pm in an office, and then in a nightclub until 2am. To wake up again at 5am to clean the offices again and so on!

I went back to work, i decided i needed to push myself to go, to see if it really was that making me feel so poorly. There's other stuff i haven't mentioned, a relationship at work that didn't work out that really upset me, and i had to see him every single day and it was hard..... Yet another failed romance for Jodie.

The day i went back to work was the day I realised

I had to leave

I was being sick in the toilets, i felt more low than i have EVER felt in my life.

Certain people telling me:

'You can't leave another job'

'Nobody enjoys their job Jodie, it's life'

I'm sorry.......but i refuse to call that a 'life'... I refuse to work in an environment that makes me ill. I can't help who or what makes me feel anxious. I can't help what i do and don't enjoy.

Answer me this:

Do other people control your happiness? No, you control your happiness.

Do other people pay your bills? No, you pay your bills.

So, two weeks after leaving my job......

And I am feeling on top of the world.

NO HEADACHES.

NO WORRY.

I'M FREE.

FREE TO BE ME.

I have had more time to finish my Charity Calendars and they are being printed as we speak ready for 2019. Not to mention the fact i have organised an event for 150 guests to celebrate the launch. [Something i would NOT of had time to do as efficiently if i was still at work]

F A C E B O O K

www.facebook.com/carnallcalendar

I N S T A G R A M

www.instagram.com/carnallcalendar

J U S T G I V I N G

www.justgiving.com/carnallcalendar

I have a Skype Interview this week for a major American TV Show [Something I wouldn't have been able to do if i carried on at work]

I am modelling for QUIZ Clothing in a Fashion Catwalk this week whilst being filmed for The Only Way is Essex [Something I wouldn't have been able to do if i carried on at work]

I have a Radio Interview this week on BBC Radio Leicester [Wouldn't have been able to do....]

I am writing music again and started boxing which i absolutely LOVE [Wouldn't of had time to do...]

And Snapchat Premium? Let's just say that i took a risk, and it was worthit.

Could this go terribly wrong? Yes. Has that ever stopped me before? No.

You see, i may make the wrong choices sometimes. But they are my choices.

People can judge me all they like about my Snapchat Premium, i'm used to being judged now.....

Every bully from my past, every troll on my Twitter, every nasty comment on my Instagram, every keyboard warrior on my Facebook, they have only built my strength over the years. I feel like I was bullied for a reason. I am now strong enough to know that they are the weak ones. I am strong enough to know how i should be treated. As long as I am happy, that's all that matters.