#3 Losing someone.

In my last blog, i spoke about how i became lazy with my biggest passion. Performing Arts. I would love to get back into it. Only problem is i now have 3 jobs [I will tell you all about my job history soon, but it will be a very lengthy blog all the jobs I've had]

I also spoke about my mum leaving my dad when i was 17. It was a massive shock to me. One day mum came into my room and told me she was leaving. She didn't just leave my dad, she left me. But guess what, she grew tired. She became selfish. She was looking after herself. If you read my last blog that will make sense to you.

My mum's the kind of person that would starve herself to feed her kids. I was going to say 'isn't any mother?' But there not are they? You hear these stories about kids being abandoned or abusive parents... It's sad. If your parents aren't that great, then i'm sorry. No parent is perfect, not even mine, they know what too. Why? Because nobody is perfect. Not me. Not you. Not Kim Kardashian.

Nobody.

My beautiful mummy.

My mum has 2 sisters and 2 brothers. Her mum Jean passed away when i was a teenager. Grandpa Doug was Jean's second husband and he was the one that has given me my childhood memory videos.

All Nanny did was fell and broke her arm. I went to the Hospital to see her and she was smiling, i will never forget what she said

'They said i will be home in a few days'

...But a few days later, when i returned to the Hospital, this wasn't the case.

Nanny had developed pneumonia, a lot of elderly people can develop this from a simple fall. A fall that would just bruise you and i.

Her smile was no longer, and she had an oxygen tank on her head that was keeping her alive. I'll never forget the shock i felt, i had never seen somebody like this before. It's sad because from Grandpa's videos, it seems me and Laura were always at Nanny Jeans, we would have sleepovers on her boat and she would take us on adventures, a far cry from what was now....

We hardly seen Nanny Jean now we were older. I don't know if something happened to cause this drift, my mum never seemed to visit Nanny. If ever we asked why she would just say 'Well, she could come see us if she wanted to'

I guess this is true, so i have no idea.... All i know is that i do regret not going to see my nanny more, but i wasn't at that age where you go visit your family on your days off, you don't appreciate your family as a teenager, basically i wasn't grown up.

The doctors pulled us into a room and told us that Nanny had a few days, but they were wrong...

We all returned to Nanny's hospital room and she took her final breath.

Nanny groaned as if she was in pain, i grabbed her hand and said 'Nanny we're all here with you'

And then, silence.

I'm crying as i write this, it did effect me, of course it did, it would effect anybody watching somebody pass for the first time. Whether it be a loved one, or a stranger. It's heartbreaking.

Grandpa Doug, my sister Laura, Nanny Jean and me.

My mum isn't close to Doug. None of my family are. I don't know the full story but let's put it this way, Doug could have been nicer to them growing up...

Even Doug's own children don't speak to him.

Some of my mum's brothers and sisters have chosen to forgive..... but not all of them. My Aunties and Uncles that have forgiven Doug visit him every so often. They have forgiven, but not forgotten.

Me and Laura visit Doug but not as often as we should really. I can't believe i haven't told you about Laura yet, she is my sister. My amazing, beautiful sister. She's 30. Don't worry, you'll hear about her soon enough. She is a massive part of my life. The reason i'm not homeless infact...

You see just because our Mum doesn't see eye to eye with Doug, even though she's told us how he treated her growing up, he's our Grandpa. He looked after our Nanny Jean for 30 years. You can't not like somebody just because somebody else doesn't, you can't listen to others opinion on someone, and make them your own. Mum made her choice, we made ours.

Doug actually gave me £200 when i was leaving to work as a TUI rep. Even though he hadn't seen me in one year, even though we wasn't close, even though i didn't ask. He just knew i needed help. I will be forever grateful.

Me and Laura with Grandpa. He didn't know what a selfie was before we took our first one with him last year.

I wish everybody thought the way me and my sister do. I know for a fact people don't like me just because of what they have heard, because they listen to others opinions, because they judge me. Also because they are jealous.

When i say they are jealous, i am not saying this because i am big headed. I know this because they tell me.

I've been working in a local pub for one month now , lovely little job with lovely staff, makes a change from some of the past jobs i have had... Anyway, one man who comes in regular said to me the other day

'I cannot believe how nice and genuine you are'

He explained that he had seen me on TV and he judged me, and that he shouldn't have and that he was sorry. He said he thought i would be big headed, pretentious, a bitch and that he couldn't have been more wrong. He apologized again.

I wasn't angry, how could i be? He was telling me the truth, he was saying he thought i was a nice person now he had met me.

I was used to hearing this from people. It's not the first time I've heard it, and it won't be the last...

I recently received a message from a boy called Josh, who apologized for how he treated me at school. He, along with many others, made school hell for me. In his apology, he explained that he was only jealous of my boyfriend. He made fun of me because he fancied me. I had no idea. But i did now. And suddenly, a lot made sense.

I have recently become friends with girls that admitted they used to be jealous of me, they thought i had everything and they wanted to be happy like me. It wasn't until they got to know the real me, got to know that i am not always happy, that i have the same life struggles they do, that i work extremely hard for the good memories i have created for myself.

You see we all judge people, of course we do, even i do. We judge people on their looks, their jobs, their lifestyle. But we don't really know someone until we meet them. We don't really know someone until we know them....

I hear rumors about people. I take in the information, but i don't spread it. I don't judge someone on that rumor. Not anymore anyway, not now i have grown up. You see i don't judge now until i know the truth. If i meet someone, and i have heard a rumor about them, i'll ask them if it's true. Why shouldn't i? No point beating around the bush. I want to know all about them. Isn't that the point of meeting somebody, to get to know them?

I have also learnt over the years that there are two sides to every story. Yes, someone cheated on their boyfriend, oh my god.... But did you know that her boyfriend cheated on her 10 times more? Did you know that her boyfriend encouraged her to cheat, that he got off on seeing her with other men? True story about a friend of mine...

When i ask somebody about a rumor i have heard about them [because i do]...If the rumor isn't true, great. If it is true, even better. Because they are telling me it's true. They are telling me their rumor. They can't be a bad person if they are admitting to their mistakes. They can't be a bad person if they are telling the truth about their past.

You see i have one friend who had many rumors about her, actually we used to dislike each other growing up, for no reason, we had never met each other... It wasn't until we were on lunch together at work for the first time that we had actually ever said hello to each other. We were honest with each other from the beginning. She'd heard things about me. I'd heard things about her. We judged each other.

We exchanged the stories we had heard about each other and we also exchanged laughter for the first time. For the first time, we wasn't judging each other.

We aren't so close anymore, nothing happened, we've just drifted, it happens. We grow up. But i know that she would be there for me if i ever needed anything, and vice versa. She taught me that our enemies can become our best friends. She taught me that people that we have only known for a few months, can help us more than people we have known for a life time.

Strangers can become best friends just as easy as best friends can become strangers.

I know i can't change you, you are who you are, you believe what you believe. But i hope that my stories can help you change your mindset. Help you to think more about things, help you to think and feel more positive.