My first week in Australia

Hi everyone, so i am currently sat in a hostel bar in St Kilda (Melbourne)

I have no idea where to start, it's been a whirlwind of a week.

I'll start at the beginning. I caught a 12 hour flight from London to L.A

I waited at LA airport for five hours for my next 16 hour flight to Melbourne.

When people used to tell me about jet lag, i thought it would just mean feeling a bit tired because of the time difference.... But it definitely isn't just feeling tired, it felt like i was on a boat that was being rocked by 10 foot waves. I felt like i was still moving. I tried to play pool but i couldn't even stand straight to pot a ball. It was awful. [Not a cover up for how bad i was at pool, i'm usually AWESOME]

Anyway, i'm going to write this one negative blog, to tell you how my journey has started, because i want everybody to know that travelling isn't all sunshine and roses. I have had messages saying people are jealous because i look so happy. It's just like i said before, don't believe everything on Social Media. Don't be jealous of people. There is a lot going on behind people's smiles. So always be kind. Don't be jealous or pick on somebody because they seem happy. A smile can hide a thousand cries.

So i am going to write this and then i refuse to let anything else negative happen for me to talk about..... [Hopefully]

I will be writing a Travel Blog of my happy adventures. And helpful tips of things to do and see for those that are thinking of travelling. But first, i would like to get this out of the way so i can leave it behind me....

Long story short; I booked Australia about a month ago. My plan was to always travel Australia alone and meet people along the way. However, there is a Facebook social group called Australian Backpackers [I recommend you join this if you're thinking of travelling because it's a great way to meet people and ask questions and get advice] On this group i started chatting to a guy and we eventually started private messaging. We messaged literally 24/7 for two weeks before my flight. He was talking very romantically ....

'I can't wait for you to get here'

'I'm only staying in Melbourne because i am waiting for you'

'I hate it here and i hate the people here but i know you'll make it better'

'I can't wait to get an RV just me and you and travel the East Coast with you, i feel so alone'

We messaged pretty much all day, every day. We got on so well and understood each other. I comforted him through his panic attacks. We face timed for 6 hours one morning [evening for him, morning for me] and i didn't go to bed at all so i could comfort him through his anxiety attack. I was exhausted but i wanted to make sure he was okay.

He said i should stay in his hostel when i arrive. I thought that was a great idea because i felt safer knowing i could meet somebody on my first day when i would probably be feeling scared and overwhelmed after travelling to the other side of the world....

I'll cut to the chase and i won't go into great detail. For two weeks i was there for him and comforted him, he promised he would do the same for me.....

He did the total opposite

Let's call him Lewie [His name isn't Lewie, but i don't want to say his real name]

Lewie made me feel very uncomfortable, he made me feel very anxious and sick. On the first night, one of his friends made fun of me because i was going to bed at 9pm. He laughed at me in front of my face and in front of everybody. I had been travelling for TWO days, no sleep, jet lagged, overwhelmed, scared, tired. With emotions heightened, and feeling angry that somebody was already picking on me on my first day. This made me cry. One of the reasons that i travelled to the other side of the world was to hopefully get away from being picked on when i go to a bar.... Why was somebody picking on me for what time i was going to bed? Surely i can do what i want? Without being judged or picked on? Isn't that the hole point of travelling alone? To do what you want? Eat when you want? See what you want? Go to bed when you want...

Anyway, Lewie didn't make me feel better, instead he made me feel silly for crying..... It might have been a silly reason to cry, but that kind of thing would upset me anyway, let alone when i haven't slept for two days, and when i am brand new to a group of people and brand new to Australia. Anyway, Lewie caused me to have a panic attack because i couldn't believe that somebody could be so cruel to me who was so so kind before. It was very confusing. I have only ever had one panic attack before. It was for the same reason. For being angry at myself for letting somebody hurt me so much and being upset that this always seems to happen to me with boys. It makes me feel like i am not good enough for anyone....

From Lewie writing public Facebook statuses 'I can't wait for you to get here Jodie Carnall, please hurry up, just 10 more hours <3' to being such a different person when i am actually here and not even wanting to spend time with me alone. I wondered why he had wasted his time and my time for two weeks. What's the point in all of that wasted energy and effort?

He went from saying all these sweet things and wanting to rent an RV alone together, to being quite cruel and wanting to rent an RV with a big group of people [and me but i didn't feel welcome]. Which is absolutely fineeee, i am fine with renting an RV with a big group of people, that's what travelling is all about! I would actually prefer travelling with a big group of people, instead of just two. But what i am not fine with, is the things he was saying.

'If you come with us in the RV, you have to be one of the lads, you can't get jealous if i talk to other girls, i'm free and single, you also can't moan at me and my friends for partying too much, we are here to enjoy ourselves'

My head was, and is still, so confused. In the space of a day, i went from being spoken to romantically and so sweet, to being set rules and being told i'm just one of the lads to him?? I will never get my head around this one, but i want to try and forget it as quickly as possible. If i had just met Lewie, and had never spoken to him before, i know for a fact we would get on so so well. But i can't be friends with somebody who has led me on and confused me like that? Without any explanation as to why he was so keen to be more than friends just a few day ago.... Fair enough if we had met, spent time together and realized it wasn't romantic. But this was literally as i met him.

I'd just like to make it clear that i am not upset that me and Lewie didn't end up romantic. I am just upset at the fact that i was there for him and he wasn't there for me. I'm upset that i was so so kind to him and he was the opposite to me. After two weeks of promising he would be there for me during my first difficult days.

There's so much more to it; I couldn't go to the bar to meet new people or talk to people because Lewie was there and made me feel unwelcome and anxious. One day he would be off with me, the next day he would be messaging saying he needs me because he is anxious and upset. And even after the way he treated me and wasn't there for me when i was upset, i was still there for them.

It's been a crazy first week because i have already done and seen so much. I did a gorgeous two day trip of The Great Ocean Road. I have explored Philip Islands. I have fed kangaroos, cuddled koalas, seen sights that i will never forget and be forever grateful for. I spent time with my family for a day and was so happy to see them [They have left for Sydney now] Whilst doing this though, i had crippling anxiety caused by Lewie. :[

I had one day to make the decision of renting an RV with him and his friends. [That i hadn't even met yet because i was busy doing trips] It costs £2000.

All sorts of thoughts were rushing through my head.

Do i book an RV for 5 weeks when i haven't even met the group?

Surely i should because that's what travelling is all about, meeting new people.

What if i spend £2000 and then Lewie or one of his friends upsets me?

But what if i don't go and regret it? I've always said i'd rather regret something i did do, than what i didn't do.

Does Lewie and his friends even want me there? Will i feel unwelcome?

He must want me there because he has emailed me all the information and said i need to pay today if i want to come. If he didn't want me to come he wouldn't send me the information surely...

What if i do get jealous if he speaks to a girl?

If we had just met, i'd be sound, i always get called one of the lads, but this guy has been telling me how much he likes me and how he wants to be romantic, but now he is saying he will be flirting with other girls, i can't get my head around it, so what if i do get jealous?

I have to make sure i make the right decision because i am going to see Jimmy for one week in Wangaratta today [far away from Melbourne] and when i return in Melbourne on the 27th January, that's when i would be leaving with Lewie and his friends in the RV. So i don't have any time to meet his friends....

Will I be able to enjoy my time with Jimmy and his family? Knowing that i have booked an RV with a guy that has so far, made my time in Australia miserable?

This isn't the first time a situation like this has happened for me. This isn't the first time a boy has made me feel anxious. And this definitely isn't the first time i have been given broken promises.....

But i'm glad that my past involves toxic relationships, manipulative men, and emotional abuse. Why?.......

Because i told myself i would never let myself get into that situation again

I refuse to let myself book a trip with Lewie, where i could possibly have the worst 5 weeks of my life. I came to Australia to leave my worries and anxiety behind. I am not here to repeat the patterns of the past. I am here for new beginnings.

I cry as i write this. I cry tears of happiness. I cry because i am proud of myself.

The old Jodie would have booked the RV. The old Jodie wouldn't have thought about the consequences. The old Jodie would believe that Lewie would change. The old Jodie would have ended up getting hurt by Lewie. The old Jodie would have been mad at herself for letting yet another boy control and upset her.

I could sit here and say it hasn't been the best start to my adventure, but..... perhaps in some ways, it has been.

Day 6 and i have already learned that i can really do this on my own.

Jimmy is picking me up in an hour and i am so so excited to spend time with him and his family. I will probably break down in his arms because i will be so so grateful to be away from the people that have been making my time here awful. I know i will feel so safe with him and his family. I can't wait to meet them. Me and Jimmy met on an English TV show in 2018. He is in Australia visiting his family and i am going to spend some time with them. We will be celebrating Australia Day and Jimmy is shaving his beard for charity. I can't wait. After my time with Jimmy and his family, i will be continuing my journey. I don't have a plan yet. But that's the beautiful thing. I can enjoy my time with them with no stress and no worries.

Here's to travelling alone. Making my own decisions. Making my own way.....