#4 Anxiety.

WARNING - DISTRESSING IMAGES

I feel like it used to be so easy when we were younger! Don't you? I mean, of course it was! We were young! We're grown up now.

Relationships at 15 - You met someone, you liked each other, and you got together.

Relationships now - You can't seem to meet anybody, nobody likes you that you like, a lot of men just want you for one thing.

Eating at 15 - You didn't put on weight no matter how much you ate.

Eating now - You gain a stone just by licking a grain of sugar.

I feel like it isn't simple anymore... Nothing is simple... but you know that! And if you don't, i'm sorry but you will one day. It's not exactly a bad thing, it's just life. If life was easy, it would be boring.

It's crazy how hard we thought we had it when we were growing up.

Growing up.

Going to shool when you really couldn't be bothered.

AHHHH HELL NOOO! How DARE our parents force us into free education whilst they go to work to pay the bills to provide a roof over our heads how VERY DARE they, those MONSTERSSSSSS!!

Now we wish we could go back to school, because we hate working or because we want to actually listen to the teachers and learn this time. Because if we wanted to get back into education now, it would cost, and we can't afford it and we need to work everyday.

Now we appreciate how easy our parents made our lives. We had no idea of the actual stresses to come, because our parents were so good at hiding it.

Topping up your mobile phone with credit - what an EFFFFFORT!

Do Nokia reallyyyy think that i have TIME to walk 2 minutes to a SHOP?!

And how is it FAIR that i have to spend my FREE POCKET MONEY which i didn't even EARNNN and don't even DESERVEEE (because i'm actually grounded) on TOP UP CREDIT!!! I mean how am i going to afford sweets and cans of pop from the school tuck shop? JOKE!

If we had to do this now, this would probably be the most least stressful task in our life. Back then, we didn't appreciate the things our parents did for us.

We didn't realize how easy we had it. But we do now, right?

Fitting in with the 'cool kids'

Who are so not cool anymore, don't you just love it!!

Having nobody to eat lunch with - Feeling so alone

Now we LOVE eating alone and it's so NORMAL to do things by ourselves!

Plus, you see businessmen [who are so FIT but you know they'll never be interested in you, you haven't even HEARD of the shop they bought their £100 shirt in...] but they are eating alone in restaurants. And you see classy women in smart work dresses sipping posh coffee in Costa [they drink so slow and they slurp, it's like, so annoying, but if it was a businessman slurping, you wouldn't find it annoying because their lips are just so LUSCIOUS]

You don't feel weird that you eat alone because businessmen do it, and look SUPER intelligent and cool [and fit, did i mention fit?]

Sitting in the toilets because we have nobody to each lunch with

A bit of peace and quiet! Ahhhhh lush.

It's so RARE that we have time for ourselves these days!

We LOVE being in the toilets alone now! We are so SCARED that somebody is in the next cubicle and they can hear us pooing, or even worst, somebody is WAITING for your cubicle! You have poo fear! You just want to be ALONE, the only person in those toilets! The SHAMEEEE. The HORRIFYING LOOKS you give each other when brushing by each other... you exiting the cubicle, them entering... it smelling like last nights Chinese.

Being in the toilet alone is PARADISE now, no splash mat needed! POO AWAY!! FREEDOMMM!!

Arranging a sleepover was so challenging. Did you invite the class bully to try and make them like you? Or will they decline and bully you even more. [Second option for me kids]

Now we don't have sleepovers, we're too old and tired, and granny naps alone are a must.

Rock & Roll.

Worried about being picked last in P.E...

Even though you had NEVER been picked last and you KNEW deep down that you would never be picked last because you were more skilled than Michael Jordan.

But you couldn't act like you knew you were better than MJ because this would be like, SO cocky. THE PRESSUREEEEE! THE ANXIETTYYYYYYY!

Being cocky is an attractive trait now... apparently.

[I have no idea how it all got so wrong in this generation]

And at that age, it wasn't anxiety we were feeling was it.

Far from that gut wrenching sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that we experience daily now.

We were too young to understand anxiety back then. Too young to understand proper fear, proper pain. Now we know what it feels like...

You see, it's only as we grow older, and we experience things that we have never had to experience before, we make mistakes, we experience heartbreak, we have to make life changing life choices, that we truly realize how simple we had it.... But that's life. We don't realize what we have until it's gone...

Tsunami

I'm not the greatest of flyers, i didn't fly for the first time until i was 17. I didn't know any different to seaside holidays and i wouldn't have my childhood any other way, because i wouldn't be the person i am today if anything was done differently. Plus, i loved seaside holidays.

When my mum and dad broke up i was feeling really low and felt like i needed to be brave and live my life a bit more, so i went to Spain with my friend Zoe. [Why is it we push ourselves to do new things when something bad happens in our lives, why can't we just push ourselves anyway?]

I remember being terrified of tsunamis and i wouldn't let Zoe sleep with the windows open because of the noise of the ocean...[or sea, i still don't know the difference]....

I would always worry about the world ending...

I will never forget my first girls holiday to Newquay when i was 15. I was terrified because Seagulls were chirping on the top of my caravan. I wasn't terrified because i'm scared of birds... Seagulls are my favorite! Every time i hear a seagull chirp now it reminds me of my childhood, my stress free days, when life was simple.

But why were they on my caravan roof chirping, what were they scared of? I did what any normal scared 15 year old would do... I rang my mum.

I needed communication and reassurance.

[Please remember this, i will refer back to this moment later on in my blogs. Don't worry, you'll understand why soon enough...]

'MUM!! Mum thank GOD you've answered, LISTEN... The world must be ending because there are Seagulls on top of my caravan, they MUST be scared of something. They have fled together and they have landed on high grounds. They must be fleeing from a Tsunami mum!! There's going to be an earthquake and it will trigger a massive tsunami! I knew it...I bloody well KNEW there would be a tsunami i just knew it mum!!! I shouldn't have come. I need to get to HIGH GROUNDSSSSS! I can see hills ahead, stay on the phone mum, i'm running to the hills!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' If i die, i love you mum!

You'd think my mum would have been in STITCHES, i know i would have been!

But, of course, she wasn't. My mum would never laugh at me. She still doesn't. Even when i have silly ideas or make bad decisions [daily], she never laughs or makes me feel small.

My mum was used to this now.

When i was at Primark School.... (I just automatically put Primark instead of Primary because i just LOVE Primark and want to live next door to it, or inside it, maybe i could sleep in the HOME department)... As i was saying, when i was at PRIMARY School, even if my mum was just 5 minutes late picking me up from the school gates, i would, everyday, without a doubt, CONVINCE myself that she had been hit by a bus or suffered some kind of major life threatening cardiac arrest. Even though she was late every day.

Of course she was going to be late everyday, she was coming straight from work, she finished work at 15:00, and school finished at 15:00, it was scientifically IMPOSSIBLE for her to be at my school for 15:00. But even though i knew this, even though i was just 8 years old and shouldn't even be HAVING these thoughts... i was. I don't know why. Until now. Anxiety.

You see, i feel like we are all born with anxiety, we all have anxiety, we've had it forever, we were just too young to understand it properly. But now we are old enough to understand our feelings and what they mean.

Every body has some form of anxiety. You are not alone.

These are my thoughts anyway.

'Right that's it she's been hit by a bus i know it' .... I would cry at the school gates at Primary School

every. single. day.

But my mum would always show at the school gates... my mum was always there.

The world ending and my family passing away was such a fear of mine.

Was? Who am i kidding...

It still is.

In fact just last week, i was crying myself to sleep imagining my mum, or my dad, or my sister, or any member of my family, any of my friends or even myself not being here anymore... I don't think about it as much anymore because as you know, life is too busy to think about things like that, and thank GOD! I hate the feeling of dread of what's to come. Every body is scared... Every body has anxiety...

So, back to Newquay. There i was, aged 15, panicking for my life and running to the hills whilst crying in hysterics on the phone to my Mum, absolutely ADAMANT [I never realized that the word adamant actually spells the celebrities name Adam Ant, did you?...] ... absolutely ADAMANT that there was an earthquake and tsunami about to hit and the seagulls were trying to warn me somehow to run to safety!

There was no earthquake or tsunami in Newquay of course...

However, last year, whilst i was in Bodrum...

There was.

Real Images.

You always hear about bad things happening to others, you always worry about the worst happening, but you never actually expect it to happen to you.

Bad things do happen in the world. War, natural disasters, disease. But out of those situations always arise stories of ordinary people doing extraordinary things....

Shit. It's 3am. I haven't been to sleep now for 2 days solid. Legit. I've been writing none stop for 2 days. I feel like Forest Gump when he just kept running.

I just want to keep typing.

I still have so much more to share with you, so much i want to write, so much i want say.

My fingers ache. My spine feels like it's about to snap. My forehead feels heavy. Maybe i should go to bed.

But i don't feel tired.

I've never been good at sleeping. I explained how i'm feeling to my friend Jenna today

[I did stop typing to go for a walk, i have to remember to listen to my body and keep healthy]

Jenna is so good at listening, so good at offering advice. She said that i could have a form of OCD. [obsessive compulsive disorder]

I thought OCD was just about wanting to clean all the time, and, well, i can be quite untidy at times.

I can't possibly have OCD.

Turns out, OCD isn't just about cleaning. I have literally only just googled this, and it was only to get an image of OCD to make my blog look neat and pretty for you [shit, is that OCD?] ...

Anyway, here is what i just found

Unwanted distressing thoughts? Mental images? Doubts? Feelings of distress? Fear? Worry? Feel like i need to do something? Obession?

SHIT.

Let's recap about what i have just been telling you about. Fear of natural disasters. Mental images of being in a natural disaster. Fear of family/friends/me dying. Distressing thoughts about family/friends/me dying. Worry all the time. Always feeling like i need to be doing something. Can never stop. Never rest. Never sleep. Obsessed about keeping busy and never stopping.

Shit guys..

Perhaps i do have OCD.

Let me just google a little bit more....

[ I know i shouldn't google... You should never google your symptoms when you're ill, else you'll think you're dying ]

• life events – OCD may be more common in people who've experienced bullying, abuse or neglect and it sometimes starts after an important life event, such as childbirth or a bereavement

Let's recap

SHIT.

Experienced bullying - I still experience it!

Abuse and Neglect - You'll get to know about that...

Important Live Event - Bereavement - Nanny Jean - Auntie Kay [You'll hear all about Auntie Kay too]

And what about being in an earthquake?! That's a rather important event.

Oh crap.

I have OCD.

Or do i?

[I mean, i did just spend 30 minutes creating my tick chart diagram - i re did it four times because the boxes weren't in line and i'm actually so annoyed that the writing is pink because i wanted it to be red]

Remember in my previous blog where i talk about not believing everything we are told. Well, we also can't believe everything we read. We have to make our own minds up, remember?

Well i have made my mind up, and i don't have OCD.

We all experience bullying, we all experience bereavement. We all obsess over things, whether it be your partner or your weight or your money. We all have OCD according to Google!

Or, like anxiety, maybe we do all have OCD.

Who cares.

The doctors have been telling me for years that i should take tablets to help with anxiety and 'depression'

NO THANKS.

I don't think i have depression... Life is just hard.

Life is hard for every body.

If you take tablets from your Doctor, you aren't weak, you aren't defeated. You are actually very brave. You have just decided to receive the help that you need in a different way to what i have. You are so brave for seeking help. Well done for taking tablets even though you must have been scared to do so for the first time. I am so proud of you. You should be proud of yourself. I hope they have helped you.

'You have just decided to receive the help that you need in a different way to what i have'

What is my way of finding help?

You'll find out.....