Taking risks

Hey everyone.

What a whirlwind of a year this has been. 2018 has been fantastic with many achievements however this past month has been the hardest time of my entire life.

If you read my previous blog post 'Snapchat Premium' you will know that i have been in the news and that i have an adult site that people pay to follow and view lingerie and nude photos of me..... Might i add again for the record, i did not approach the news or sell stories of myself, they found my instagram and asked if they could do a story about what i do. [Might i also add, my instagram has now been banned, even though i didn't post any explicit content on there and i got no warning and no explanation, i'll leave that there]

I refuse to try and justify it any longer because i think it is ridiculous the amount of sh*t i have had over it to be honest and think people should just get on with their own lives....

Anyway, if you follow me on Facebook, you will have seen that i have had a pretty tough time handling all the online bullying and i have been so ran down that i have infact been very poorly for the past 3 weeks. I don't know whether it's stress [ apparently your own immune system can eat itself when you are really stressed] or whether there is an underlying problem. But i will soon find out because i have decided to pay £100 for a BUPA Private Health Assessment which is tomorrow actually. If you think about it, some of us would spend £100 on a handbag, or a night out..... so it really isn't that much to spend on your health. I'll let you know how it goes.

What i wanted to tell you on today's blog is that i have a bit of an announcement. As i said, i have been feeling very low recently. To show you just how low, here is a snippet of what i wrote in my phone on the 15th December [I like to write notes when i am feeling down so that when i am feeling better, i can look back and feel proud of how far i have pushed myself to over come the dark times]

15th December 2018

Today i have been feeling extremely low. I've never felt this low in my life. I'm having thoughts i have never had before.

'What is the purpose of life?'

'I don’t know why I’m here, and in fact I don’t really know who I am'

I look at past photos coming up on my Facebook TimeHop and i think

'How was I smiling? Today I feel like I should never have smiled and i feel that i can never smile again'

I'm so sad, and i have no reason to be, i have amazing family and friends supporting me, so it makes me more sad that i am sad.

I see no way out of this feeling.

I know that that was dark and deep, but i wanted to share this because now, just a few weeks later, i am not having these thoughts. I wanted you to know that if you are having these thoughts or feelings, that it will get better. It does get better. If i can do it, you can. It may take you longer than a few weeks. We may even be back feeling that way again, but we will over come it again. And again. And again.

I'm not 100% right now, but i will be. I will be because, being in that dark place made me take action. [I knew it could be very dangerous if i didn't.... I didn't want to feel like that for a long time]

At the end of the day, you can have all the people in the world helping you, but the only person that can truly help yourself, is yourself....

Since the people that have hurt me and publicly humiliated me about my Snapchat Premium are local, i don't really want to be around here anymore. Which makes me not really fancy getting a job around here, and to be honest, people make fun of how i earn money, but i don't actually need to work anymore. I can afford not to. [Even though some people thought the news were lying about my income, ha] So i am sat around all day, everyday on my own whilst everybody else is at work and i am only left with my own thoughts. And i think this is why the bullying has effected me more than it should have. Because i have nothing to distract my mind. What i do as a job gives me freedom. But yet i have no freedom? I'm just sitting at home waiting for the next nasty message. No wonder i'm an anxious mess. That isn't living.

That's how i came to my conclusion.

6 days ago i made a decision.....

I bought a one way ticket out of here

I will be leaving for Australia in two weeks....

They say that running away doesn't solve your problems.

But in my opinion, staying where you are doesn't solve your problems either!

Staying where you are physically or mentally won't help you when you feel low.

You must take action.

I'm not saying everybody must book a one way flight. What i'm saying is, you must take control of your thoughts. Take control of your life.

Make changes, even small ones.

Do what makes you happy.

No regrets.

Yes, Australia might not work out, but at least i would have taken a risk and tried to find happiness and peace within myself. If it doesn't help my mental health or happiness, then of course, i will try another thing to try and help. At the end of the day if you don't take risks or make mistakes, are you even living? All i know is, i refuse to sit and be miserable. Which is more than i can say for the keyboard warriors insulting me online, who must be very miserable in their own lives to feel the need to put others down...